


When you have no nails, anything can be a hammer. A hammer that makes its own nails? Hmm.

by Shipshape



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, M/M, Smut, Tumblr made me do it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 12:08:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7573489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shipshape/pseuds/Shipshape
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was a post on tumblr about Hanzo running out of arrows and having Mccree launch his dragons instead. There was a fic someone wrote in response to it. This is where I ended up. Someone stop me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When you have no nails, anything can be a hammer. A hammer that makes its own nails? Hmm.

Hanzo ducked into the dim alleyway, following Jesse and scanning in every direction for their attackers. A drone flew by overhead, pinning down their location. He reflexively reached to knock an arrow but grasped only air. His supply had long since depleted.

“Darling, you got your comms to work yet? Would be really handy right about now to get gone.” Jesse puffed the question out in steaming breaths. The cold night air fogged with his heat. They'd been running scared for a while now.

“No, and I am not your 'Darling'. Please stop calling me that.” he replied in mild aggravation, arching an eyebrow at the pet name.

“Not trying to rub you the wrong way...” Jesse said turning and searching for a hiding spot while the drone tracked them. He tested a door that turned out to be locked..

 _“In fact, I'd like to rub you the right way.”_ Mccree mumbled to himself.

“What was that?” Hanzo barked, spinning. His eyes glittered like sharpened points of steel.

<They're over here!>

Jesse, who had taken three years of Omnic in high school or something, knew these were the same ones that were after them before. Two hostile Omnics rolled around the corner of the alleyway and waved their stubby turret arms menacingly. 

_"Kuso!"_ Hanzo cursed. He grabbed Jesse's arm, and sprinted straight at the smooth, featureless surface of a nearby wall.

<Wait, stop! Surrender you fleshy lumps! There's nowhere to run!> the leader beeped after them impatiently. Hanzo defied gravity and ascended.

<I'm calling hacks on that.> the other beeped dubiously.

“Well hold on now- OOF” Mccree huffed when Hanzo scaled the vertical surface, dragging the fleshy cowboy along behind him. They reached the roof and Hanzo threw Jesse roughly to the flat concrete and sent the tall man sprawling tits over teakettle. Hanzo loomed over the prone figure of Mccree. Thick, regal brows were drawn together in an undefinable cross between confusion and annoyance.

“Well what was that for?” Jesse asked, the picture of ruffled indignation. He'd landed on his ass, his hat falling off and his serape gone askew. He slapped his hat back into place and lurched upward, backpedaling away from his unexpected assailant.

“Rub me the right way? Is that what you want to do, Mccree-san?” Hanzo crossed his arms. Below them the Omnics had already blasted their way into the building. Mccree's sun-dark face flushed.

“Oh, uhm. Well, yeah. You do tweak my tail just right but really man. Why you gotta go throwing a fella about like that? Liable to break something.”

“Oh? I tweak your tail do I?” Hanzo asked with an evil smile spreading across his austere face. The archer stalked forward, closing the slim gap between them. Mccree froze. He felt more nervous now than when they'd been under fire just minutes before. Hanzo reached a hand out toward Jesse's face. Mccree weakly tried to fend him off, but Hanzo just batted his ineffectual defenses out of the way and snaked a hand behind his head. His fingers twined into Jesse's hair. Hanzo pulled the gunslinger's face down to meet his own in a rough kiss.

Mccree stiffened, then relaxed and leaned down into the kiss. Hanzo's neatly trimmed beard rubbed against his own wild face and he lost it. He sprang an urgent erection and pressed it desperately against Hanzo. The kiss went on for a long minute. Hanzo broke away first, much to Mccree's dismay.

“We must discuss this when we have the time. For now, how many bullets do you have left?” Hanzo said dispassionately. The shorter man's hair had come out of its tie in the intense prior moments, and he was methodically refastening it. The sounds from inside the building indicated their pursuers rapidly closing.

“Hold up! You can't just rev a fella up like that then leave him hanging! You're givin' me blue balls the size of Texas.” Jesse replied. “Now is EXACTLY the time to talk about this! You are the most consternatin' little man sometimes, you know that? And nothing, anyway, that's how much I got left to shoot.” He waved Peacekeeper. "This bloody thing's 'bout as useful as tits on a bull right now."

Hanzo frowned. The door to the roof burst open, and the two scouting omnics careened awkwardly out, crashing off of each other in their haste. Hanzo and Jesse both turned to face their oncoming attackers.

“Not. The. Time.” Hanzo hissed.

<Freeze! Don't move an inch!> the leader beeped.

“No, you know what? Gimme just one damn minute. We need to work this out.” Jesse hollered in frustration, holding a flat palm outward toward the Omnics. He turned away, back toward Hanzo.

“You mean to just kiss a man like that, right before he's set to die, and just leave it with that? Really? What in the nine hells is wrong with you man!” His expression was warring between lust and pained constipation.

<I said freeze you meatbags!> the leader beeped out with more unacknowledged insistence.

Hanzo scowled at the omnics and rolled his eyes in what would have been a childish manner in someone less dignified. He ignored them and faced off with Jesse. 

“Maybe if you had been more clear about your feelings before we reached this point then we could have done something more about it!" He got up in the cowboy's face. "It is not my fault that you lack emotional maturity, Mccree-kun.”

<Are they even listening?>

“Oh, so now I'm the immature one? This comin' from the man that likes to respond to sexual innuendo only when starin' down the barrel of a gun! Do you know how many times I've hit on you? Huh?! Well ain't this just finer than fuckin' frogs hair.”

<No, they aren't listening. Sigh.>

“It's not like I've been holdin' back until now or somethin'! You are the most frustratin' man I have ever met, just goddamn! You're either blind or a fool, which is it?”

The angrier Jesse got, the more the letter G seemed to drop off the end of his words, like it was scared to get involved in their argument.

“Of course you have not hit on me before! I would have noticed. I am in fact very observant!” Hanzo fired back in crisp, measured tones.

<Uhm, boss, we might want to give them a minute. We're going to kill them anyway, and it looks like they need to work this out of their systems.>

Jesse and Hanzo were all over each other. They got into each other's spaces and the shouts and recriminations turned with no warning into questing hands and furious kissing.

“We are really going to do this now? In front of an audience?” Hanzo said. He panted, Jesse's hands were everywhere at once like an octopus. He ran a hand over Hanzo's exposed left pec and squeezed. God but he'd wanted to do that for months.

“What makes you think I don't like it that way?” Mccree replied hoarsely. Hanzo grabbed Mccree's crotch and stroked upward. Mccree bit his lip to hold back a cry.

<Okay, that's enough. None of us want to see this. Time for you two to die.>

<I don't know boss, I uhm, I kind of don't mind.>

Five other Omnics came out the roof access door in a wave. As they lined up, ready to open fire, Mccree tilted Hanzo back to give him a deep kiss. One of Hanzo's slender legs popped out in response. They parted, Hanzo spoke.

“My one regret in all of this is never being with you.” He gasped the words out. Between his hands he grasped Mccree's prosthetic fingers. He ran a thumb over the metal, enjoying its rough texture, and planted a light kiss.

“You mean to say as in... sex?”

“Yes, I do mean to say.”

<Fuck it, fire everything!> the lead Omnic shouted.

“The hell with this. I'm gonna live!” Mccree roared. He threw a flash bang at the Omnics and grabbed Hanzo up in his arms, rolling away from the imminently incoming hail of bullets.

<Goddamn pocket sand!>

His roll took them right off the nearby roof's edge that they had been standing next to but that I'd neglected to describe up until this point. It was there, though, and they went tumbling off of it.

“Hanzo! Could you use your prosthetic robo-legs to help us stick the landing?” Mccree shouted as they fell.

“My legs are not prosthetic, Jesse-san.”

“What?”

They fell the five stories and landed in an undignified tangle of limbs below. The building had once been a freight office, and their landing had been cushioned by a conveniently placed pile of discarded crates and mostly rotted cardboard boxes. The shipping trash cushioned them when they fell hard for each other.

“Waddya mean they ain't prosthetic?” Mccree asked. They stood up, separating from each other. “There's no way that's proportionate, hun.” Hanzo glared indignantly at his inquiry.

They ran, Mccree's stare locked on Hanzo's chicken legs the whole way. He was trying to figure out how a human could have parts like that and still stand. He was trying to figure out how that somehow made the archer even cuter.

“This way, Mccree-san!” Hanzo said, ducking into an empty construction site. They ran into it together and slammed the gates shut behind them. The Omnics rushed past moments later. They let out identical sighs of relief.

“Well now that there're a couple a minutes, at least. We gonna hash this out?”

“Yes, Mccree-san. Now is exactly the time to do this.”

Hanzo pushed him unexpectedly to the ground, straddling him.

“Save a horse, ride a cowboy.” Jesse drawled.

“Be quiet, fool.” Hanzo replied. The cowboy's shirt had ridden up just a bit when Hanzo had pushed him to the ground, exposing a light dusting of dark hair resting just above the foolish belt buckle that Hanzo secretly loved. Hanzo extended his hand toward the skin, fingertips teasing experimentally. Jesse let out a gravelly moan.

“Damn, but you make me sweat more than a whore in a church on Sunday. Remind me again why this is the first time we're doin' this?”

“Did I not just tell you to be silent?”

Hanzo undid Mccree's amazing belt buckle. He stuffed his hand down the front of Jesse's pants The man's erection was visibly straining against the fabric and Hanzo made a grasping fist to work it. He nuzzled his head into the crook of Mccree's neck and licked upward, trailing along Jesse's exposed throat toward his ear. He whispered something indescribably obscene to the big man, who bucked in a spasm of pleasure.

“Darlin'...” Mccree moaned. “It's been too long. I'm not gonna last.”

The gate burst open. The Omnics rolled in. Mccree tried to stand up, but Hanzo held him down. The two of them locked eyes. Hanzo growled

“Come for me, Jesse.” He commanded.

He swung the cowboy's dick toward the Omnics.

“RYUU GA...” Hanzo began, working his fist expertly over Mccree.

Blue lightning arced up from the tattoo on his arm. It raced downward and coiled around Jesse. The cowboy's was wreathed in an otherworldly fire and Jesse screamed as his every nerve lit up from the intensity of the approaching orgasm. His back arched and his spurs jangled from his spasmodic writhing. The fire built, cool and electric at the same time.

“...WAGA TEKI WO KURAU!”

When he came he didn't shoot repeatedly. He shot once, and when he did the blast wave pushed him and Hanzo backward from the force of the kickback. Twin dragons shot outward, and the crowd of Omnics were obliterated in a maelstrom of pent up sexual frustration. Steam rose off his dick. Hanzo blew on it gently. Jesse shuddered and moaned.

Afterward Jesse and Hanzo basked in the afterglow. The dragons were still flying off into the distance, lighting up the night sky like a beacon.

“Hmm. That was really... somethin'. And you know what?”

“Hmm?”

“Looks like I did have something left to shoot after all.” Mccree said with a satisfied grin. Hanzo bit his ear playfully.

Hanzo's comm chirped. With the destruction of the Omnics the comm lines had opened again.

“Whoa, luvs, are you okay? We see the dragons, we're tracking back along their trajectory with an evac. We'll be there in two tics. You there?” Tracer asked with apparent alarm. Hanzo tapped the earpiece to reply.

“We are fine Lena-san. Thank you for the extraction. Mccree will need need medical attention from Dr. Ziegler, please have her ready.”

“What's wrong? Is he okay?” Angela said, her voice joining the line. “Did he get shot? Ask him what his pain level right now on a scale of one to ten?”

“None of that. I am fine, he is fine.”

“Let me speak with him if he's able to.” she said. He gave the earpiece to Mccree. The cowboy listened for a moment, still smiling like a fool.

“Nope. Just sexual exhaustion.” Mccree said back to the comms and laughed. Hanzo could hear the shouts coming from the earpiece without even wearing it. "Yeah, finally, don't I know it?" the cowboy said. Mccree turned it off. He pulled Hanzo in close, snuggling up against him.

“Were you sure that was going to work?” He traced the lines of Hanzo's tattoo.

“No, but I destroyed the west wing of the Shimada summer mansion when I was 14 in just such a fashion.”

"Aww shucks." Mccree crowed. The two of them enjoyed the quiet together, waiting for the others.

**Author's Note:**

> [The post and fic in question that inspired this.](http://commonly-nonsensical.tumblr.com/post/147712519954/trust)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> ...The hammer is his penis.


End file.
